Being Safe Harbor

Photo credit Ben Salter, Flickr

Being Safe Harbor

We face a rising tide of hostile words and actions in our country today. Individuals and groups are being targeted in ways we haven’t witnessed in decades. People of good will are searching for ways to respond effectively and to help shift the momentum. Being Safe Harbor is a brief collection of informal strategies for use by individuals. (See bottom of page for some more formal resources available for schools and workplaces.)

For a downloadable, printable pdf of this material, click here.

Our Goals

We intend to:

Help prevent or limit harm in the moment
Help the person targeted by harassment know they’re not alone
Offer a healing space and listening ear after an incident occurs
Shift the culture that says such behavior is normal and acceptable

The Setting

Strategies vary depending on the circumstances of an incident.
We outline suggestions for responding

In public places when we encounter strangers
In schools and workplaces
With friends and family

Photo credit Faizal Riza, Flickr

In Schools and Workplaces

Photo credit Jack Lancto

1) In schools where violence is likely to occur, follow the steps outlined above.

2) Many schools and workplaces have environments that are overtly or covertly hostile but do not cross over into physical violence. One cause of the recent upsurge in harassment is a perceived permission from the culture that makes the behavior normal and acceptable. The primary goal in these circumstances is to provide emotional support to persons targeted by intolerance and to challenge the culture that says it’s ok.

If someone is being harassed:

Approach the person and ask if you can help
Speak directly to the individual or group engaging in harassment and tell them to stop. Avoid escalating the situation, either at the time or in later conversations. Be firm but do not retaliate with similar generalizing or name-calling.
Engage the person or group being targeted socially at lunch or in other conversations to indicate to them and the larger group that you are in solidarity.
After the incident, ask the person who has been targeted what you can do to help. Don’t assume that you know.
Report incidents to the appropriate authority yourself, or offer to accompany the person who has been targeted while they do so.

If offensive comments are being made:

Have a simple statement prepared. You can say, “That makes me uncomfortable,” or “That comment doesn’t belong here,” or another statement that works for you in that setting.
You can say, “I don’t agree. Can we revisit this another time?” Don’t change your body language or tone of voice. Then move on.
Go back and revisit the conversation at another time, preferably in private and one-on-one. Don’t alter your relationship with the person or people making the comments. When you cut off relationship you lose the opportunity to persuade. The goal is to transform the conflict into positive change.

Interactions Among Strangers

Perhaps the most frightening examples occur in public places between people who don’t know one another. These occasions call for a courageous and careful response.

Call 911 if it appears the incident could or has escalated into violence
Follow the steps outlined in this cartoon by Paris-based artist Maeril. While written about harassment directed at Muslims, these steps apply equally to other examples of harassment.

It is not always wise or necessary to confront the attacker directly. The primary goal is to de-escalate the situation and get the person targeted by the harassment to a safe place.

Note: Traditional Muslim custom discourages physical touch from strangers, particularly persons of the opposite gender. Be mindful of this when offering support.

Photo credit Faizal Riza, Flickr

With Family and Friends

Photo credit David Robert Bliwas

Negative conversations with family and friends are usually about a group that is not present rather than directed toward someone who is present. The primary risk in responding is emotional, not physical. We’re afraid of losing those relationships or of feeling alone within the group. At the same time, we may have the opportunity for extended conversations which does not exist in other settings..

Encourage people to express what they want and what they’re afraid of. Try to be open and curious about the response.
Acknowledge people’s feelings, noting that perhaps there is another way to meet those needs.
Acknowledge when people are correct in their perceptions. For example, health care professionals do encounter instances where Muslim women are not permitted to speak for themselves. Rather than minimizing those events, help people understand the differences between religion and culture. Traditional culture and male dominance are the cause of this problem, not Islam or the Koran.
Share your own stories, if you have them. Talk about friends’ kindness or suffering. Much of the conversation today has nothing to do with logic and cannot be countered by statistics. Appeal to the goodness in other people by sharing stories and asking for others’ wisdom or help in making things better.
Learn some basic facts about Islam and Muslims. You don’t need to be an expert, but you can clear up some common points of misinformation. See our twelve quick talking points.

After An Incident

Whether or not you were present when an incident occurred, you can help create a healing space afterward.

Offer to listen. Don’t minimize the impact of the incident. If you have doubts about the details, save that for a later time.
Ask if you can help. Possible strategies include:

Physically walk with a person who feels afraid
Help find healing therapy if needed
Offer to assist in going to authorities
Offer to be available for phone conversations, even if a call might come late at night or early in the morning
Offer to accompany them in a followup difficult conversation with the person or group engaging in the harassment.

3. State your support for the person, and affirm that the incident should not have happened.

Further Resources

For a pdf of the above, text only, click here.
For a pdf of a formatted reproducible booklet, including the cartoon, click here. This is a fold-and-insert project on 8.5x11" paper; no stapling required.

Marshall Rosenberg engaged in peacebuilding in over 50 countries. Non-Violence: A Language of Life and Living Nonviolence are great resources.

Courageous Conversations About Race by Glenn Singleton provides tested methods for dealing with racism in school settings.

Teaching Tolerance is an educational project of the Southern Poverty Law Center, a longtime civil rights organization with a stellar history. They can be found at www.tolerance.org.